ProfileofanAbuser
Profile of an Abuser
Working with the Fina Bella Group & in association with
The Fina Bella Corporate Domestic Violence Program
Abusers are as diverse as their victims. They come in all flavors of the week. At first glance, there is no definitive
profile that prepares us for the evil that lies below the surface. If anything, it is not how they look or dress, but
what they may say and how they act that has relevance. This issue is prevalent across all socio - economic levels.
Abusers can be male (97% of the time) or female (3% of the time) and come into your life as initially a stranger that
becomes a friend or boy/girlfriend and then perhaps moves forward to becoming a live in partner or husband/wife.
Or they can be a family member such as a father/mother/brother/sister/uncle/aunt/etc. But what is most similar
about abusers is their use of power and control as the main tactics in their abusive behavior. If any woman/man
sees any of the following characteristics, don't walk away from this person ….. RUN. There are no second chances to
be given to an abuser. If you keep them in your life, they will win and you will lose everything and eventually be
driven through the gates of hell to become an empty shell and lost soul for abusers to toss about and enjoy at their
whim.
Characteristics of an Abuser:
- A typical abuser will initially present him/herself as the nicest person or most perfect boy/girlfriend you have
ever met. A Prince/Princess charming. However, this will not end as a Cinderella story, because the abuser is a
genius at what they do. They can't control their own lives, but will control yours. This is their sole purpose in life
and for them, is in some ways like having the biggest organism or drug induced high. It is that compelling and
intense. They are happiest when you are miserable. They will use you like a puppeteer manipulates a puppet. They
will give you tremendous highs and the most bone crushing lows in their game of playing you. They are experts in
knowing what to do, when to do it, and for how long.
- For a period of time they will treat you like gold. This is the “honeymoon” phase when they are looking for a way to
find the cracks in your armor and start, (like a virus), to enter your mind. Once they find a way in, the “make over”
begins.
- They will start to shower you with gifts which over a very short time can become very personal.- They will profess
their love for you very early in the relationship and pressure you to do the same. Sometimes they might say love
hurts. Because to them it does, and that is how they feel it must be expressed. They will tell you that you are the
woman/man they have always been looking for and you are the perfect one to have their children. At some point
they will try to make you pregnant or get pregnant themselves (if female) to hold you in the relationship. Even
children are used by the abuser to get his/her way.
- They will want to be intimate with you as soon as possible because they will say you mean so much to them that
they have to be with you in all ways.
- They will begin to show possessiveness and want to be around you as often as possible because they will say they
are being attentive to you.
- Your personal space and time for yourself will begin to be limited and eventually disappear.
- Will want you to dislike, back up the abuser and cut off relationships with people (often your family & friends) the
abuser does not like or is jealous of. If an argument occurs after the fact, you must support the abuser even if you
disagree with the situation. If you don't, you will be punished for it.
- The questions he/she has asked you about your life and past will now begin to be used against you.
- Jealousy, that may have been taken by you as being attentive and cute in the beginning, will now be explained to
you by the abuser as part of being in love with you. This will intensify with time and your freedom to speak/see
family and friends will be questioned, controlled and limits will be set.
- Controlling behavior will begin to inhibit your ability to come and go as you like and will creep into other areas
such as your personal decisions, how you spend money, who you associate with, your personal time for yourself, etc.
- He/she will start to lie, withhold or alter the truth about themselves or information they have on you.
- The abuser begins to keep a check on you by calling you at work and any time that you are allowed to go out. Also
will question you if you are late arriving home. May begin to follow you or drop into your work place unexpectedly.
Wants your cell phone or pager on at all times so they can contact you.
- Begins to demand unrealistic expectations of you. Wants you to meet all his/her needs sexually, emotionally and
domestically when and how he/she sees fit.
- Increases your isolation from family, friends and acquaintances. Will begin restricting access to cars, telephones,
Internet, Email's, texting, etc. May begin to want you to stay at home and not work. May obtain your pass words to
secretly check your Email's, cell phone voice messages, etc.- Sexuality will start to change. Abuser will begin to force
sex and act out various fantasies in which you are choked, bound, hurt or do other dangerous and bizarre acts. May
want you to do sexual acts that you are not comfortable with and also demean you by having you (as an example) do
group sex/swapping for his/her entertainment and then call you names because you agreed.
- Sexuality can be withheld if the victim has a higher libido than the abuser. This is because the abuser does not
want you to enjoy yourself or have any control. If the abuser is a woman and is predisposed to heavy PMS episodes,
the abuse at this time will increase and could be more violent. The same increased intensity will occur if the abuser
(male/female) has other physiological conditions present.
- Will blame you for any and everything that goes wrong in the house and anywhere else. Will manipulate you to
get you to do anything he/she wants done. Will use their version of love, guilt, anger, impatience, verbal abuse,
threats, physical abuse, etc to get his/her way. The abuser always wants to win. Your misery is their happiness.
They will put you on a pedestal one moment and knock you off of it the next. Keeping you on edge, not knowing
whats coming next and confused is part of the programing.
- If there are animals in the household, he/she will exhibit cruelty to them and may eventually kill them. Will use
the animals to keep you in line.
- When children are present in the relationship, the abuser will expect them to perform beyond their capabilities.
They will be severely punished for non performance. Statistics say that 60-70% of children are abused in an
abusive home.
- Will verbally ABUSE THEIR PARTNER by cursing at them or degrading them; puts down partner's
accomplishments. The victim can never please or do anything right in the eyes of the abuser. They always want
more.
- Holds RIGID GENDER ROLES and expects partner to serve abusers needs with no thought or feelings for the
victim. Their needs are always more important.
-Inhibits PARTNER FROM MAKING DECISIONS, coming and going at will, spending/handling money. Friends,
family and your freedom will disappear.
The end result if the abuse continues, is a victim that has lost her/his life as they knew it by loosing who they are,
their soul and will power. An empty shell will result. At some point in a very aggressive intimate relationship, the
victim can unfortunately loose their life. No abuser can be trusted because they take without any intention of
giving. There is no you in the equation. It's always about the abuser and their needs and you are only needed as a
means to an end …......their gratification. Remember, abusers are unpredictable, dangerous and have absolutely
nothing to contribute to a normal lasting, growing and loving relationship with a future. If you are religious and
believe there is a God/Devil and a place called Hell, then remember that if you unfortunately meet an abuser, you
will experience Hell on earth and it will last an eternity unless you sever the relationship. Unfortunately in some
instances, it can also lead to “death due us part”................ your death and his/her parting to find others. He/she
does not love, care or have any feelings for you, because you are only an object for their amusement.........
All Rights Reserved 2008
The Fina Bella Group
Fina Bella
"We Can Do It ........... Together"
"Nous Pouvons Le Faire ........ Ensemble"
"We Can Do It ........... Together"
"Nous Pouvons Le Faire ........ Ensemble"
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing”
-Helen Keller-
“Life Is A Journey, Not A Destination"
-Helen Keller-
“Life Is A Journey, Not A Destination"
href="http://www.linkreferral.com/adwel.pl?oldrefid=205747">
www.finabella.net (Main site)
www.finabella.ca (The Fina Bella Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
http://www.facebook.com/fina.bella
The Fina Bella Group
www.finabella.ca (The Fina Bella Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
http://www.facebook.com/fina.bella
The Fina Bella Group
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