Signs of Abuse
Signs of Abuse
Working with the Fina Bella Group & in association with
The Fina Bella Corporate Domestic Violence Program
The following is a list of some abusive signs. Remember, even though you want to, you can never
change the thinking of an abuser. This is a mission impossible. The abuser wants to control you and
will, if you give them a chance. Please watch out for any of these tendencies:
Verbal abuse. Harassment & stalking. Controlling behavior. Possessiveness.
Ownership. Guilt tactics. Fear tactics. Scares you. Hits, pushes, slaps you.
Distrustful. Makes you a prisoner in your house. Jealousy. Threatens.
Life threatening actions. Emotional abuse. Manipulation.
Here is a more in depth explanation of what to expect from an abuser. If you detect any of the
following, don't waste your time, energy and health on this person. You will not be the exception to
the rule and will not be able to change him/her, but you will become an abuse victim. That is a
guarantee. So do yourself a favor and keep away from individuals that show any of these trait's.
Does your partner:
Insult you in public and/or private? Uses degrading language. Goes out of his/her way to make you
feel embarrassed and ill at ease. This is called verbal abuse.
Constantly checks up on you? Follows, shows up unexpectedly and without being invited, calls, faxes,
texts or Emails excessively. This is called harassment and stalking.
Controls what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go? Defiantly controlling behavior.
Puts down your family and friends? Wants to separate you from them. This is extreme
possessiveness.
Tells you jealousy is a sign of love? Or love hurts. Over attentive/protective. This is ownership and
being possessive.
Shoves you, slaps you, or hits you? Not acceptable behavior, and should never be tolerated. If this is
happening in your relationship, get out. You are now in the “danger zone” and this could easily
escalate and become life threatening.
Blames you for the abuse? It was because of what you said or did. The puppet master now wants to
control what you say, how you act, how you move and now is your God of right & wrong as he/she
sees it.
Limits where you go and what you do? Wants to know where and who you are with. Is worried that
you may say something about the abuse or abuser. Much to possessive and distrustful.
Try to control your money? Leaves you with very little to make sure you can't travel far. You are
now wearing a dog collar and on a short leash that will become shorter and shorter over time until it
chokes you. Again this is ownership.
Destroys your belongings? If a knife or scissors are used especially on your clothes, it is a sign that
he/she would like to use them on you. This is a red alert. Heed the indirect warning from the abuser.
The abuse can escalate soon and next time you may be wearing the clothes when the abuser takes a
knife/scissors to them. Your life is in danger.
Threatens you, your children, your family or pets and threatens to hurt him/herself (suicide
threats)? He/she is now working on your emotions. May even appear to be sorry for what he/she did
and cries, says they love you and asks for forgiveness. On one level you are his/her toy to play with
when he/she projects “the school yard bully image” and fear card, and then on another level he/she
is checking on how much you care/love them by using guilt. Both emotions are a tool for an abuser
to control you.
Touches you in an inappropriate way in public or acts in ways that scare you? Rough sex, sometimes
quasi rape or squeezes, grabs you aggressively etc. This is a way for the abuser to show you that they
can do anything to you when and where they want to ….... including instilling fear at any time to get
their way. You are my toy.
Tells you your fears/feelings are not important? You are Imagining everything. How dare you
question your “Lord & master”. Just close your eyes and shut down your thinking process and let the
abuser push you through the gates of HELL. Emotional abuse and manipulation.
Makes all the decisions? He/she knows all the answers and you know nothing. Will not respect your
space, requests or what you think about a topic. The “I want to win” comes out as well as their
frustration and impatience that you would even contemplate that you have a mind of your own.
Another controlling tactic.
Because of your intimate relationship, do you:
Get to work late due to problems with your partner? Abuser delays you at home or you have to
explain what you will be doing during the day and who you will be in contact with. Maybe you have to
use more make-up to cover the marks on your face & body if he/she has hit you.
Have to hide marks on your body from your boss or co-workers? You wear long sleeved blouses or
turtlenecks in summer. Marks you can't hide you explain away as accidents. You are careless and
accident prone. I fell down, walked into a post/door, etc.
Find yourself frequently absent from work due to problems in your intimate relationship? You are
emotionally upset and too drained to work, physically sick, too badly beaten, etc.
Frequently breaks appointments with friends or family? He/she does not want you to see them, you
are being threatened, etc. You are now a prisoner in your own house.
You make excuses for your partner's behavior? He/she has taught you to cover up what goes on at
home. No one is to know the dirty little secrets.
You tell your boss or co-workers not to mention certain things in front of your intimate partner?
Because you are concerned that in a social situation, the abuser may get out of hand and cause a
scene, so you make sure to cover the “hot spots”. Also you don't what him/her to think you have said
anything.
Have difficulty keeping a job? Because you are not functioning at a satisfactory level at work, you
may be fired. Your intimate partner visits your place of work unannounced and may or may not
cause problems. The level of abuse is now consuming every part of your life.
Find it hard to concentrate on your job duties? Problems at home now over shadow everything else.
You are now at the point that you can not separate the problem at home from anything else in your
life.
Harassing telephone calls, Emails, Texts, visits, or faxes at work or home? The abusers way to make
you unstable and ill at ease. He/she is letting you know that they can touch you 24/7 from anywhere
and you'd better know it.
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are in an abusive relationship. Now is the time if
your company has The Fina Bella Corporate Domestic Violence Program or any other DV program,
for you to approach your designated Human Resource Agent and request a meeting to discuss and
evaluate your situation. No matter how much you are in denial of the situation, in love with your
intimate partner, or want to give him/her a 2nd or 3rd chance, it will only continue to get worse over
time. You must take action before it is too late and you are dragged down into your own personal
HELL on earth or worse.
It is important for every woman to remember...........that "we cannot stay in a
relationship and think we're going to change somebody -- we can only change
ourselves."
-Rebecca Foster, director of the Family Crisis Center in Baltimore, an expert in
domestic violence.
“It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself”.
— Betty Friedan
Working with the Fina Bella Group & in association with
The Fina Bella Corporate Domestic Violence Program
The following is a list of some abusive signs. Remember, even though you want to, you can never
change the thinking of an abuser. This is a mission impossible. The abuser wants to control you and
will, if you give them a chance. Please watch out for any of these tendencies:
Verbal abuse. Harassment & stalking. Controlling behavior. Possessiveness.
Ownership. Guilt tactics. Fear tactics. Scares you. Hits, pushes, slaps you.
Distrustful. Makes you a prisoner in your house. Jealousy. Threatens.
Life threatening actions. Emotional abuse. Manipulation.
Here is a more in depth explanation of what to expect from an abuser. If you detect any of the
following, don't waste your time, energy and health on this person. You will not be the exception to
the rule and will not be able to change him/her, but you will become an abuse victim. That is a
guarantee. So do yourself a favor and keep away from individuals that show any of these trait's.
Does your partner:
Insult you in public and/or private? Uses degrading language. Goes out of his/her way to make you
feel embarrassed and ill at ease. This is called verbal abuse.
Constantly checks up on you? Follows, shows up unexpectedly and without being invited, calls, faxes,
texts or Emails excessively. This is called harassment and stalking.
Controls what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go? Defiantly controlling behavior.
Puts down your family and friends? Wants to separate you from them. This is extreme
possessiveness.
Tells you jealousy is a sign of love? Or love hurts. Over attentive/protective. This is ownership and
being possessive.
Shoves you, slaps you, or hits you? Not acceptable behavior, and should never be tolerated. If this is
happening in your relationship, get out. You are now in the “danger zone” and this could easily
escalate and become life threatening.
Blames you for the abuse? It was because of what you said or did. The puppet master now wants to
control what you say, how you act, how you move and now is your God of right & wrong as he/she
sees it.
Limits where you go and what you do? Wants to know where and who you are with. Is worried that
you may say something about the abuse or abuser. Much to possessive and distrustful.
Try to control your money? Leaves you with very little to make sure you can't travel far. You are
now wearing a dog collar and on a short leash that will become shorter and shorter over time until it
chokes you. Again this is ownership.
Destroys your belongings? If a knife or scissors are used especially on your clothes, it is a sign that
he/she would like to use them on you. This is a red alert. Heed the indirect warning from the abuser.
The abuse can escalate soon and next time you may be wearing the clothes when the abuser takes a
knife/scissors to them. Your life is in danger.
Threatens you, your children, your family or pets and threatens to hurt him/herself (suicide
threats)? He/she is now working on your emotions. May even appear to be sorry for what he/she did
and cries, says they love you and asks for forgiveness. On one level you are his/her toy to play with
when he/she projects “the school yard bully image” and fear card, and then on another level he/she
is checking on how much you care/love them by using guilt. Both emotions are a tool for an abuser
to control you.
Touches you in an inappropriate way in public or acts in ways that scare you? Rough sex, sometimes
quasi rape or squeezes, grabs you aggressively etc. This is a way for the abuser to show you that they
can do anything to you when and where they want to ….... including instilling fear at any time to get
their way. You are my toy.
Tells you your fears/feelings are not important? You are Imagining everything. How dare you
question your “Lord & master”. Just close your eyes and shut down your thinking process and let the
abuser push you through the gates of HELL. Emotional abuse and manipulation.
Makes all the decisions? He/she knows all the answers and you know nothing. Will not respect your
space, requests or what you think about a topic. The “I want to win” comes out as well as their
frustration and impatience that you would even contemplate that you have a mind of your own.
Another controlling tactic.
Because of your intimate relationship, do you:
Get to work late due to problems with your partner? Abuser delays you at home or you have to
explain what you will be doing during the day and who you will be in contact with. Maybe you have to
use more make-up to cover the marks on your face & body if he/she has hit you.
Have to hide marks on your body from your boss or co-workers? You wear long sleeved blouses or
turtlenecks in summer. Marks you can't hide you explain away as accidents. You are careless and
accident prone. I fell down, walked into a post/door, etc.
Find yourself frequently absent from work due to problems in your intimate relationship? You are
emotionally upset and too drained to work, physically sick, too badly beaten, etc.
Frequently breaks appointments with friends or family? He/she does not want you to see them, you
are being threatened, etc. You are now a prisoner in your own house.
You make excuses for your partner's behavior? He/she has taught you to cover up what goes on at
home. No one is to know the dirty little secrets.
You tell your boss or co-workers not to mention certain things in front of your intimate partner?
Because you are concerned that in a social situation, the abuser may get out of hand and cause a
scene, so you make sure to cover the “hot spots”. Also you don't what him/her to think you have said
anything.
Have difficulty keeping a job? Because you are not functioning at a satisfactory level at work, you
may be fired. Your intimate partner visits your place of work unannounced and may or may not
cause problems. The level of abuse is now consuming every part of your life.
Find it hard to concentrate on your job duties? Problems at home now over shadow everything else.
You are now at the point that you can not separate the problem at home from anything else in your
life.
Harassing telephone calls, Emails, Texts, visits, or faxes at work or home? The abusers way to make
you unstable and ill at ease. He/she is letting you know that they can touch you 24/7 from anywhere
and you'd better know it.
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are in an abusive relationship. Now is the time if
your company has The Fina Bella Corporate Domestic Violence Program or any other DV program,
for you to approach your designated Human Resource Agent and request a meeting to discuss and
evaluate your situation. No matter how much you are in denial of the situation, in love with your
intimate partner, or want to give him/her a 2nd or 3rd chance, it will only continue to get worse over
time. You must take action before it is too late and you are dragged down into your own personal
HELL on earth or worse.
It is important for every woman to remember...........that "we cannot stay in a
relationship and think we're going to change somebody -- we can only change
ourselves."
-Rebecca Foster, director of the Family Crisis Center in Baltimore, an expert in
domestic violence.
“It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself”.
— Betty Friedan
Fina Bella
"We Can Do It ........... Together"
"Nous Pouvons Le Faire ........ Ensemble"
"We Can Do It ........... Together"
"Nous Pouvons Le Faire ........ Ensemble"
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing”
- Helen Keller -
“Life Is A Journey, Not A Destination"
- Helen Keller -
“Life Is A Journey, Not A Destination"
www.finabella.net (Main site)
www.finabella.ca (The Fina Bella Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
http://www.facebook.com/fina.bella
The Fina Bella Group
www.finabella.ca (The Fina Bella Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
http://www.facebook.com/fina.bella
The Fina Bella Group
How to Protect yourself
Working with the Fina Bella Group & in association with
The Fina Bella Corporate Domestic Violence Program
Golden Rule: Never ever think the abuser will change or that you can change him/her. The only
person you can change is yourself.
The following are general rules to help you protect yourself and those you care about.
Domestic Violence:
-It is important to tell trusted friends, neighbors or relatives about the abuse and create a code word
or signal with them to call the police if you need help. If your company has The Fina Bella Corporate
Domestic Violence Program or any Domestic Violence Program, approach the designated person in
your company for assistance and follow through.
-Ensure your children’s school and/or day care have a copy of all court orders,
including restraining orders, custody and access orders and a picture of your abuser and tell them
whom is permitted to pick up your child as well as specifically who is not.
-If possible, make a ‘safe area’ in your home that you and your children can go to when
you feel threatened and cannot leave. Avoid bathrooms, kitchens, the garage, rooms
containing weapons and rooms without access to the outside. Always have a cell phone in your
possession and if you are required to call 911, say that it is an armed intruder breaking in. This will
speed up the police arriving quickly.
-If possible, change your daily routines and vary your schedule and times. Try not to take the same
route twice in a row.
-Let children know where the cordless or cell phone is located. Teach children how to call for help and
important phone numbers like 911. Without scaring the child, make sure that they understand that
they should stay away from this person and report any sightings to people of authority as quickly as
possible. Also, upon sighting the person, they should immediately run to someone in authority for
protection.
-If your abuser no longer lives in the home and you fear for your safety, tell your
neighbor(s) to phone police if they see your abuser around the home. Have your locks changed and If
you can afford a security system, have one installed that's connected to a central station and have a
portable “panic button” available to use for any attempted break in. Make sure that the security
company knows that if the “panic button” is used, there should be no delay, the police are to be called
immediately because your life is in danger. Make sure that you have an escape plan in case of a break
in.
-Make your boss, Human Resource Department and/or security dept. aware of your situation. Show
them a photo of your abuser and ask them to call the police if they see him /her around your
workplace. Go to the Security Department or Human Resources (HR) Department to await Police if
they have to be called. Never stay in the department you work in to await police. Should your
company have a Domestic Violence Program, take the appropriate steps indicated in the program.
-Tell your employer and co-workers that under no circumstance are they to give out any information
about you like your schedule, phone number, address or where you are, etc.
-Should your abuser physically approach you, and it doesn't place you or others in immediate danger
(such as the abuser holding a weapon), but you need to act quickly to ward off possible trouble before
it starts, scream “fire” not help. Other people respond faster and without hesitation when they think
a fire is near them.
-Arrange for someone in the security department or a male coworker to walk you to & from the
building when entering or leaving work. Always be aware of your surroundings and do not take
chances by walking in unlit/isolated places, underground garages and using the same route to and
from work. If you use your car, make sure you lock all doors when leaving. Before getting back into
your car, check the car for tampering and look through the windows into the back seat before
unlocking and opening the doors.
-If possible, keep a charged cell phone with you at all times. Do not place any ear phones on/in your
ears. It's important for you to hear any noises around you.
-If your abuser breaks any court orders, call the police and have him/her rearrested. This will show
you are serious about not wanting to be approached and also builds up a file on the abuser with the
police and the courts.
-Always walk heavy, quickly and with a purpose. Give the impression that you are strong and not a
push over. Stand tall and find the safest and most direct route to your destination. If you are by law
allowed to carry “pepper spray” (or a compressed air screamer), do so. Keep it handy when you are
walking to and from your place of work, and in a safe but easy to use/find place when you are not. If
your abuser shows up unexpectedly and seems to be aggressive and about to attack, do not warn
him/her just spray it in his/her face and run as fast as you can to someone in authority. If you are
wearing high heels, kick them off before running. Never hesitate when using a “weapon”. If the abuser
gets to close to you, he/she can take it away from you and use it on you.
-For further information, contact your local police department and advise them of your situation.
All Rights Reserved 2008
The Fina Bella Group
Working with the Fina Bella Group & in association with
The Fina Bella Corporate Domestic Violence Program
Golden Rule: Never ever think the abuser will change or that you can change him/her. The only
person you can change is yourself.
The following are general rules to help you protect yourself and those you care about.
Domestic Violence:
-It is important to tell trusted friends, neighbors or relatives about the abuse and create a code word
or signal with them to call the police if you need help. If your company has The Fina Bella Corporate
Domestic Violence Program or any Domestic Violence Program, approach the designated person in
your company for assistance and follow through.
-Ensure your children’s school and/or day care have a copy of all court orders,
including restraining orders, custody and access orders and a picture of your abuser and tell them
whom is permitted to pick up your child as well as specifically who is not.
-If possible, make a ‘safe area’ in your home that you and your children can go to when
you feel threatened and cannot leave. Avoid bathrooms, kitchens, the garage, rooms
containing weapons and rooms without access to the outside. Always have a cell phone in your
possession and if you are required to call 911, say that it is an armed intruder breaking in. This will
speed up the police arriving quickly.
-If possible, change your daily routines and vary your schedule and times. Try not to take the same
route twice in a row.
-Let children know where the cordless or cell phone is located. Teach children how to call for help and
important phone numbers like 911. Without scaring the child, make sure that they understand that
they should stay away from this person and report any sightings to people of authority as quickly as
possible. Also, upon sighting the person, they should immediately run to someone in authority for
protection.
-If your abuser no longer lives in the home and you fear for your safety, tell your
neighbor(s) to phone police if they see your abuser around the home. Have your locks changed and If
you can afford a security system, have one installed that's connected to a central station and have a
portable “panic button” available to use for any attempted break in. Make sure that the security
company knows that if the “panic button” is used, there should be no delay, the police are to be called
immediately because your life is in danger. Make sure that you have an escape plan in case of a break
in.
-Make your boss, Human Resource Department and/or security dept. aware of your situation. Show
them a photo of your abuser and ask them to call the police if they see him /her around your
workplace. Go to the Security Department or Human Resources (HR) Department to await Police if
they have to be called. Never stay in the department you work in to await police. Should your
company have a Domestic Violence Program, take the appropriate steps indicated in the program.
-Tell your employer and co-workers that under no circumstance are they to give out any information
about you like your schedule, phone number, address or where you are, etc.
-Should your abuser physically approach you, and it doesn't place you or others in immediate danger
(such as the abuser holding a weapon), but you need to act quickly to ward off possible trouble before
it starts, scream “fire” not help. Other people respond faster and without hesitation when they think
a fire is near them.
-Arrange for someone in the security department or a male coworker to walk you to & from the
building when entering or leaving work. Always be aware of your surroundings and do not take
chances by walking in unlit/isolated places, underground garages and using the same route to and
from work. If you use your car, make sure you lock all doors when leaving. Before getting back into
your car, check the car for tampering and look through the windows into the back seat before
unlocking and opening the doors.
-If possible, keep a charged cell phone with you at all times. Do not place any ear phones on/in your
ears. It's important for you to hear any noises around you.
-If your abuser breaks any court orders, call the police and have him/her rearrested. This will show
you are serious about not wanting to be approached and also builds up a file on the abuser with the
police and the courts.
-Always walk heavy, quickly and with a purpose. Give the impression that you are strong and not a
push over. Stand tall and find the safest and most direct route to your destination. If you are by law
allowed to carry “pepper spray” (or a compressed air screamer), do so. Keep it handy when you are
walking to and from your place of work, and in a safe but easy to use/find place when you are not. If
your abuser shows up unexpectedly and seems to be aggressive and about to attack, do not warn
him/her just spray it in his/her face and run as fast as you can to someone in authority. If you are
wearing high heels, kick them off before running. Never hesitate when using a “weapon”. If the abuser
gets to close to you, he/she can take it away from you and use it on you.
-For further information, contact your local police department and advise them of your situation.
All Rights Reserved 2008
The Fina Bella Group
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